Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better...

ROUND 2: CIN3


My next appointment was not long after I got back from a three week holiday to Japan, Hong Kong and Ho Chi Minh City. So I was feeling relaxed about it. I went my by myself as my husband was away for work – didn’t faze me as I thought I’d be fine.


The Pap Smear was rather invasive and I was in a bit if pain afterwards, which I didn’t expect. I heard the doctor explaining what would happened depending on how the test came back after the procedure was done, but it was all very vague as the pain was a bit overwhelming. I explained the pain to the doctor and she said it sounded normal and it would go away shortly. I went to pay and the nurse remarked at how pale I looked and then I fell to the ground – I’d fainted! I remember quickly looking around the office to make sure no one was in the waiting room. I thought if there was a first timer there she would be mortified and scared off!


I was totally fine, and the pain went away shortly – it was just my ego was a little bruised. A few days later I called to get my results. I was sure it would either be the same or had cleared up, so I confidently called while at work. This was a bad move! The nurse told me in the last six months my abnormal cells had actually progressed and had now developed into CIN3. They would need to do a procedure as soon as possible. I couldn’t talk. I was literally shaking, my bottom lip quivering as I was smashed by a wave of utter fear by her words. I barely managed to communicate to the nurse that I could not have this conversation immediately as my head was too full and fuzzy, and I was at work, so I would call on Monday to arrange an appointment. I was in total shock.


For me, with my beliefs about the mind-body connection, I was honestly in sheer distress about how I had created this – more than the actual health issue itself. I had been working so hard on loving myself and accepting myself and yet it had actually progressed to something edging closer toward cervical cancer. I allowed myself to feel devastated, fear and anger – that real Grrrrrrrr that was festering inside of me. I needed to actually feel those things and get mad. I believe that feeling all feelings are an important part of your healing process – coming from an extremely vocal Italian household we were always free to express ourselves – and we all pretty much did and very loudly too!


Some people think it’s a bit strange, but one thing I know about my family and the way we communicate is that once our burst of anger (or whatever emotion) and the fight is over someone apologises we go back to loving one another and not giving it a second thought. Better than bitching and moaning about it for the next 2 weeks I say!


So, I spoke to my mum, who is always able to hold that space for me to feel what I need to feel, I yelled and screamed and cried into the phone. But one thing better than mum listening to me fear and angst, is when she reminds me that I have a right to feel all these things, but I need to put a time limit on it or else it will affect every other part of my day/world. So a few hours later I was feeling better and more in control of my feelings and determined to work towards healing, both mind and body.


First thing first, 10 days later I was booked into to have a lletz procedure. I have never been in hospital before so the whole thought was quiet overwhelming. The procedure included going under general anaesthetic – which freaked me out because of the thought of being unconscious and someone doing surgery, or anything, in my most sacred of areas seemed invasive and vulnerable.

The LLETZ treatment for cervical dysplasia (CIN) aims to totally remove the abnormal cells from the cervix. A wire loop with an electric current (diathermy) is used to shave off these cells. This leaves a raw area on the cervix to heal. The healed cervix should then contain only healthy tissue, without any abnormal cells.

I was teary for most of the 10 days before hand. I spoke to one of my best friends who lives overseas, she made me laugh and laugh about what she called “cervical tonsillitis” – I really needed to laugh! Another good friend helped by explaining that because I had a women gynecologist she must understand the sacredness and importance women hold on that area of their body, and would treat it with respect – I really did feel a lot better after hearing that.

The day had come to get rid of my CIN and move forward. I was teary up to the point when they rolled my bed into the pre-surgery unit. My anaesthesiologist was hilarious, she first gave me what she called a “sparkling champagne” shot in the arm, which sort of got me giggling, chatty and relaxed, she then gave me the “tequila slammer” which would knock me out! It certainly did... and so quickly too. When I came to I had no idea how much time I had lost, and actually it wasn't that long maybe 45 minutes or so. I felt perfectly fine, not sore at all.

A few days later I had a call from the nurse saying the doctor was happy with the surgery and confident she cleared all the CIN cells. In another six months I had to get yet another pap-smear. I swear I’m a professional at getting these now!

Weddings and divorce

Last week Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her second husband, after just 72 days of marriage. She wed her first husband, a music producer, when she was 20 years old - that lasted about 4 years.

I’m not about to start having the venus&eve page rife with idol gossip, however the reason I thought this bit of trash-talk was interesting was because of a comment I read on one of the “kim breaks up” articles recently. A reader mocked the choice of the Australian Government, and many other Governments around the world, not to legalise gay marriage by saying: “And they won’t allow gay marriage because that goes against sanctity of the union.. Ha!”

Essentially the reader was pointing out that heterosexual couples can marry whenever they like, whomever they like without any real consideration (legally at least). Then, if they feel like it, they can ditch the marriage and get divorced days or even hours later. Yet same-sex couples who are involved in committed relationships aren’t allowed to legally wed. Which of the two rejects the sanctity of marriage to you?

Countries which allow same sex marriage:
Argentine, Belgium, Canada, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain, South Africa and Sweden. As well as Mexico City and some US states.

In Australia:
Both major political parties reject same-sex marriage, even though in the poll-obsessed political world we currently live in they won’t listen to the 7 out of 10 Australian’s who believe that same sex couples should be allowed the same rights at heterosexual couples.

I understand that divorce is sometimes necessary if not vital for some people. We change, our partners can change and there can be a myriad of reasons why getting a divorce is the most appropriate action to take. But, when marriage is a sort of fad or a fun-thing-to- do-at-the-time and not taken seriously I think it’s really selfish and ignorant.

I married by husband almost two years ago. We both took the whole deal very seriously – we’d been together for two years before we were engaged, and lived together for 2.5 years before we were married. We knew that we made best friends and great partners, we had been through some problems and came out better than before so we felt we could work through life’s issues as they came up.

Basically, my beef with this media frenzied publicity stunt that is Kim Kardashian, she and her husband have abused a privilege and honour that many people around the world would literally die for. There are women and young girls who are forced into hideous marriages and do not have a choice or voice to get out, there are women and men who love someone dearly but because of their religion or culture are not able spend their lives with them, and there are same-sex couples who still live like second class citizens because Governments around the world refuse to recognise them.

What are your thoughts?

Love and equality, Catherine @ venus&eve xx

First steps to healing…

IN my last post about my CIN issue, I'd mentioned that my doctors had basically advised me wait it out until my next pap smear rolled around in 6 months time. But, as per my normal “healing” methods – I knew I could be doing something. As you may have seen in my “About me” section, I am a firm believer in the power of thought and how we attract things into our lives.

New to Sydney, my first stop was to find a Kinesiologist so I could delve deeper and find out why this “dis-ease” had come into my life, or my cervix as it were. What lessons did I need to hurry up and learn so that my reproductive organs get back into its positive life-creating energy?! I have used kinesiologists for about 10 years and find the method extremely effective and profound in working out whats going on in my life.

I have had lower back pain for about 4 years, so I knew that my sacral chakra was in need of some serious work – back pain was one thing, but the thought of cancer seemed to be the wake-up call I certainly needed to really focus on this area.

• Sacral Chakra is the second out of the seven chakras, it is orange in colour and found between the belly button and lower abdomen. The physical issues it relates to include low back pain, pelvic and reproductive organ issues, libido, and urinary problems. The emotion areas for Sacral Chakra include money, sexuality, creativity, honour in relationships, ability to enjoy and passion.

Along with Kinesiology, I had Reiki and holistic counselling, as well as read many books on the mind-body-spirit connection. I also wrote a lot in my journal. Through the next six months or so I tried to become more aware of my thoughts and how they may be affecting me.

Through journaling and paying attention to my thoughts I realised I was becoming more and more self-critical. I have always been great at negatively judging myself (did i just judge myself again about judging myself?!!), but my poor little mind was working overtime with negative thought-patterns that basically came down to: I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough.

So, after this realisation I decided to focus on that. I had some kinesiology sessions, Reiki healings and tried the beautiful Louise Hay’s affirmations and daily CD to work towards viewing myself in the way that God does… perfect just the way I am.

Therefore, my simple affirmation was: “I love and approve of myself.”

I incorporated my affirmations into my time when I was not having to focus on much.. so when I was walking to the shops, or sitting on the bus or trying to fall asleep. Along with saying it I tried to conjure up that excited feeling in my tummy and my chest.. real love for myself.

I also put one of my favourite pictures of myself as a 2-3 year old on my fridge – honestly, with my chubby tanned cheeks, huge happy smile and stripy sun bleached tresses… who couldn’t love that little girl. I kept reminding myself that that gorgeous vivacious cherub was actually me. (Picture in the blog is me on my first day of school - way cute!)

CIN-Cervical Cancer Breakdown

Here is some information about HPV CIN 1,2,3 and CERIVAL CANCER. I obtained this from Cancer Council Victoria’s website.

The cervix
The cervix is at the lower part of the uterus (womb), which extends into the vagina. The cervix is sometimes called the neck of the womb. There is a small opening in the cervix, the cervical canal, which leads through the cervix into the main part of the uterus.
The cervix has several important functions. It produces some of the moistness that helps lubricate the vagina. It also produces the mucus that helps sperm travel up to the fallopian tubes to fertilise an egg from the ovary. The cervix holds the baby in the uterus during a pregnancy. During labour the cervix opens to allow the baby to be born.

Pap tests and dysplasia
Cervical cancer develops in stages. Pap tests are useful because they can detect abnormal cell changes that may one day become cancerous. Early detection means they can be treated before cancer happens. These changes are known as dysplasia. Pap tests are not designed to pick up cancer, although they sometimes do.

Dysplasia
Dysplasia means abnormal changes in the cells of the cervix. Abnormal cell changes are grouped as:
• Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesions (LSIL). These are minor changes that normally go away within 12 months.
• High-grade squamous intraepithelial lesions (HSIL). These are more serious changes that require further tests and sometimes treatment.

Doctors may call abnormal cell changes ‘cervical intraepithelial neoplasia (CIN)'.
CIN is graded into CIN I, CIN II and CIN III: that is, mild, moderate and severe cervical cell changes. These are not cancer but could develop into cancer if not treated.

Cervical cancer
There are two main types of cervical cancer, named after the type of cell they start in. Squamous cell carcinoma, the most common type of cervical cancer, starts in the squamous or skin-like cells that cover the outer surface of the cervix at the top of the vagina. Adenocarcinoma is a less common type of cervical cancer. It starts in the glandular cells, in the cervical canal.

Causes of cervical cancer
Some factors seem to put some women at a higher risk of cervical cancer. These risk factors include:
• Human papilloma virus (HPV): almost everyone is infected with HPV at some stage in their life. Most cases of HPV resolve without treatment and have no ill effects. Most women who have HPV don't ever show signs of abnormal cell changes. However, in some women it can cause cell changes that lead to dysplasia. If untreated, these changes may become cancer. HPV is the cause of almost all cases of cervical cancer. There is a vaccine that prevents the types of HPV most commonly linked to cervical cancer. The vaccine is most effective if given to young girls before they are exposed to HPV, that is, before they start having sex. Through the government-funded National Immunisation Program, most girls will receive the vaccine at around the age of 12.
• Being the daughter of a woman who used the drug diethylstilboestrol (DES) during pregnancy. DES was used to prevent a miscarriage. Its use has declined since the 1940s and 1950s. DES has been linked to a rare type of cervical cancer in a small number of daughters of women who took DES while pregnant.
• Smoking, which increases the risk of cervical cancer, especially in women who have had a persistent infection with a high-risk HPV type.

For more information please go to: http://www.cancervic.org.au/about-cancer/cancer_types/cervical_cancer/base_article_6688.html

C*Bomb!

Round 1- CIN1/2

Mid-last year (2010) I went for my bi-annual pap smear (PS), I have always been pretty regular about these things. Yes, pap smears are far from comfortable ladies, but I figure - short term pain for long term gain and all that.

I’ve never been called up by a doctor in my life, in fact apart from these types of check-ups I rarely need to see a doctor. So, after my bi-annual PS I certainly didn’t expect to receive the call up asking me to come back to discuss my results. I freaked.

My doctor explained that my PS had come back with a trace of abnormal cells, that being CIN 2. To be completely honest, I didn’t truly understand why women had to get a regular PS – I knew the term cervical cancer was part of the reason, but what the heck was CIN 1, 2 or 3 and did this mean I was on a slippery slope towards the dreaded C-Bomb? (Cancer). After I regained my breath my doctor arranged for me to see a specialist to get more tests.

A few weeks later (of sleepless nights trawling the internet for information) I was at the Gynaecologist’s office awaiting further inspection of my cervix - I was far from overjoyed by this prospect. Luckily, though, my doctor was a part time comedian, or so it seemed, as she was ripping out jokes left right and centre. “So, that guy in the waiting room.. is he your latest pickup or a significant other..?” “Um… he’s my husband.” “Well, get him in here to listen. Just thought if he was a guy you picked up at the pub on sat night, this conversation might be a bit much.” Well, she certainly made me laugh, and that couldn’t have been a bad thing given I was having cold sweats about being there.

After a more detailed analysis of my nether-regions, which was definitely more uncomfortable and awkward than the earlier explorations, but not severely painful either, the doctor sent my biopsy off to the lab. I was sent home with a bundle of information to read and a few days to wait it out.

As a side note – one thing I discovered early on during this process is what little I actually knew about the female anatomy, and how my own body works. Dam Catholic education – we didn’t even learn about our own bodies, let alone sex!

A few days later I called into the doctor’s office and the nurse explained my results: CIN1 with some CIN2, and the HPV virus. Not a death sentence, but not awesome either. With the results the way they were the doctor didn’t need to do any sort of procedure, however I had to go back in six months, for yet another round of tests. Fun!

So, at this point there was apparently not much I could do. Wait for six months and then test again...

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know..

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, living overseas or just don’t listen to Triple J then you’ve probably listened to the new Gotye song "Somebody that I used to know" 101 times whilst playing on repeat over the radio. Although, I confess it’s slightly over-played at the moment, I do love this song! I can relate to it - actually I think many of us have felt this harsh reality in past relationships.

This song talks about a relationship, from both perspectives, which is not functioning - no passion, just being. The couple break up. He is relieved.

The last line of the chorus, which is repeated, is “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.”

I started thinking about the song and why it affects me so much, and really it’s the chorus which does it. I start to think about my past relationships and friendships which are no-longer. It reminds me of the people who have been in my life for “a reason, a season..” and who have been an important part of my story and personal growth.

Like most of you, I have had close friends or boyfriend/s during different stages of my life and these individuals have shared so much with me, and I with them. Old friends share part of my growing up, partying, drama, boy-crushes and wanderlust. Old boyfriends have shared very intimate and loving experiences, secrets and emotional journeys and discoveries. It’s sad to look back at these amazing (in their own way) relationships and realise that these people are now.. just somebody that I used to know – after all that we have shared.

Flicking back through my dusty pile of diaries at past relationships I’d written about I giggle when reading stories that we shared and even smile at the heartbreak experienced through friendships and deeper relationships. Because really it’s all a learning experience isn’t it. For some relationships it took months to move forward from, for most it took years, but I can definitely say I’m grateful for all of them in one way or another.

Personally, forgiveness and the concept that “every challenge is a lesson” has been my cornerstone for moving on and lovingly being able to look back at relationships and different challenges in my life.

Think about it.. if an ex-boyfriend never made an effort with your family, then this may have made you realise this was important to you. Great. When you mature and move forward from that relationship that will be something you look for in a new partner.

If a good friend was only a good friend when he/she was getting something from you or using you. Fine. Once that relationship has run its course, perhaps it taught to you stick up for yourself and choose friends who are more in line with your values and ideals.

When you can look back on a relationship and realise all of the great things that it’s taught you, I’ve personally found it easier to let go and forgive, and ultimately look back at those relationships with fond memories. Someone can’t give you something they don’t have to give, and it’s really not fair to ask that someone be something they are not. You can only be responsible for yourself and how you grow and move forward.

It sucks that these past friends and boyfriends are now just people that I used to know, but these amazing people helped shape me, they helped me realise my true potential and helped me understand my true value. So, I genuinely thank my old friends for teaching me about myself and when I think of them now I can honestly say that I go straight for the fun memories and remember the good times – which is a nice way to remember friendships which were so special, even if the sun has set on them for now.

Do you find it easy to let go of past relationships? Do you have any tips or ideas which make it easier to look back with fondness instead of fury? Love to hear what you have to say..

Peace out!

Love catherine @ venus&eve

News wrap

• Last week, Australian Federal Government approved a measure to allow women to join the front line infantry units in combat.

venus&eve: I believe men and women are different, that’s pretty obvious. But we are also individuals. Meaning that some women like stuff that boys do and some men like stuff that girls like. I don’t believe in war, in fact I find the whole concept abhorrent. However, whatever the differences between men and women I believe that we can all do ANYTHING we set our minds to. So, if some women want to join the front line then I can’t see why they shouldn’t be allowed to. I can’t believe its 2011 and this is still an issue.

• Last week, Saudi Arabian Women given the right to vote… in the next election in 4 years time.

venus&eve: In my research on this seemingly big step forward for women (human) rights in Saudi Arabia, it appears that many of the news articles forgot to mention this little caveat: A woman’s right to vote will ONLY be exercised if they have the permission of a male relative. Therefore, ultimately women will still be ruled by a male’s decision whether she is able to vote or not. So, is this really a huge step forward for women?

• Ghent University researchers, Belgium, determined the secret women's super immune system lies in their extra X-chromosome, which re packed with molecules called microRNAs, which are the key to regulating the immune system.

venus&eve: This explains the man-flu!

• This week, Dr Barry Walters, an obstetrician from the King Edward Memorial Hospital in Perth, has come out and said that women older than 37 years are selfish for having children.

venus&eve: Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I do think it’s a bit harsh of Dr Barry Walters to tarnish all older women having/wanting children with the same brush. Every women, every person, has a different story. I’m sure there are women who consider their career before having children, but I’m also sure there are many women who don’t met their life partner until later in life, or may struggle for years to get pregnant, or another 101 other reasons for having a child later in life. If the child is really wanted and loved then I don’t believe any child is worse off just because their parents are older or younger that a certain age.