ROUND 2: CIN3
My next appointment was not long after I got back from a three week holiday to Japan, Hong Kong and Ho Chi Minh City. So I was feeling relaxed about it. I went my by myself as my husband was away for work – didn’t faze me as I thought I’d be fine.
The Pap Smear was rather invasive and I was in a bit if pain afterwards, which I didn’t expect. I heard the doctor explaining what would happened depending on how the test came back after the procedure was done, but it was all very vague as the pain was a bit overwhelming. I explained the pain to the doctor and she said it sounded normal and it would go away shortly. I went to pay and the nurse remarked at how pale I looked and then I fell to the ground – I’d fainted! I remember quickly looking around the office to make sure no one was in the waiting room. I thought if there was a first timer there she would be mortified and scared off!
I was totally fine, and the pain went away shortly – it was just my ego was a little bruised. A few days later I called to get my results. I was sure it would either be the same or had cleared up, so I confidently called while at work. This was a bad move! The nurse told me in the last six months my abnormal cells had actually progressed and had now developed into CIN3. They would need to do a procedure as soon as possible. I couldn’t talk. I was literally shaking, my bottom lip quivering as I was smashed by a wave of utter fear by her words. I barely managed to communicate to the nurse that I could not have this conversation immediately as my head was too full and fuzzy, and I was at work, so I would call on Monday to arrange an appointment. I was in total shock.
For me, with my beliefs about the mind-body connection, I was honestly in sheer distress about how I had created this – more than the actual health issue itself. I had been working so hard on loving myself and accepting myself and yet it had actually progressed to something edging closer toward cervical cancer. I allowed myself to feel devastated, fear and anger – that real Grrrrrrrr that was festering inside of me. I needed to actually feel those things and get mad. I believe that feeling all feelings are an important part of your healing process – coming from an extremely vocal Italian household we were always free to express ourselves – and we all pretty much did and very loudly too!
Some people think it’s a bit strange, but one thing I know about my family and the way we communicate is that once our burst of anger (or whatever emotion) and the fight is over someone apologises we go back to loving one another and not giving it a second thought. Better than bitching and moaning about it for the next 2 weeks I say!
So, I spoke to my mum, who is always able to hold that space for me to feel what I need to feel, I yelled and screamed and cried into the phone. But one thing better than mum listening to me fear and angst, is when she reminds me that I have a right to feel all these things, but I need to put a time limit on it or else it will affect every other part of my day/world. So a few hours later I was feeling better and more in control of my feelings and determined to work towards healing, both mind and body.
First thing first, 10 days later I was booked into to have a lletz procedure. I have never been in hospital before so the whole thought was quiet overwhelming. The procedure included going under general anaesthetic – which freaked me out because of the thought of being unconscious and someone doing surgery, or anything, in my most sacred of areas seemed invasive and vulnerable.
The LLETZ treatment for cervical dysplasia (CIN) aims to totally remove the abnormal cells from the cervix. A wire loop with an electric current (diathermy) is used to shave off these cells. This leaves a raw area on the cervix to heal. The healed cervix should then contain only healthy tissue, without any abnormal cells.
I was teary for most of the 10 days before hand. I spoke to one of my best friends who lives overseas, she made me laugh and laugh about what she called “cervical tonsillitis” – I really needed to laugh! Another good friend helped by explaining that because I had a women gynecologist she must understand the sacredness and importance women hold on that area of their body, and would treat it with respect – I really did feel a lot better after hearing that.
The day had come to get rid of my CIN and move forward. I was teary up to the point when they rolled my bed into the pre-surgery unit. My anaesthesiologist was hilarious, she first gave me what she called a “sparkling champagne” shot in the arm, which sort of got me giggling, chatty and relaxed, she then gave me the “tequila slammer” which would knock me out! It certainly did... and so quickly too. When I came to I had no idea how much time I had lost, and actually it wasn't that long maybe 45 minutes or so. I felt perfectly fine, not sore at all.
A few days later I had a call from the nurse saying the doctor was happy with the surgery and confident she cleared all the CIN cells. In another six months I had to get yet another pap-smear. I swear I’m a professional at getting these now!
